2011-06-16 - A Few Simple Facts

It has come to my attention that some people don’t know a few simple facts about the universe they live in. Now I’m not sure why they don’t know them, maybe they just haven’t come across them. I take it as my duty though to ensure that people are away of these things as they are very interesting.

1. Lava is made out of burnt maple syrup. Deep inside the earth lives a small green man named Fred. Fred spends his days eating pancakes, and nothing else. Now I don’t mean he doesn’t eat anything else (Although he doesn’t) what I mean is that he doesn’t do anything else. He spends his mornings eating pancakes, he spends his afternoons eating pancakes, he spends his evenings eating pancakes, and he spends his nights eating pancakes. To support this habit Fred bought two machines. The first uses trans-dimensional energy to make pancakes out of bits of lint. The second machine makes maple syrup out of the toxic waste created by the first machine. The pancake machine flips a new pancake onto his plate every 56.7 seconds while the syrup machine continuously pumps syrup on to the plate. This way he gets a new pancake just as he finishes the last one and they are always covered in fresh syrup. He doesn’t have a very large plate though so a lot of the syrup flows over the edge and on to the floor. It drains down into the planets core through a series of tubes where it is burnt and after some more tubes it eventually floats up into the earth’s crust. Technically this means that magma is burnt syrup but magma isn’t actually a thing and the entire world is lying to you. It’s all lava and all lava is maple syrup, burnt maple syrup from Fred the guy living in the centre of the planet.

2. Monkeys have been to mars. During the 1950s many nations were trying to get into space, but they were unsure of their equipment and didn’t want to risk actual human lives. In order to test the technology without using people they sent up monkeys instead. Since monkeys are similar to humans they could show how a human may react to space without putting a human in space. On the 14th of May 1957 a group of interested monkeys showed up at a Russian Space Scientist meeting and through an exquisite display of feces throwing they asked if they could join the project. The lead scientist urinated on a copy of Daisy monthly in reply to signal that they had decided to go with chimpanzees instead of monkeys. The monkeys were very disappointed and decided that they’d make their own space agency. Calling themselves the Solar Rejects they set up a small base on a small island near Singapore and proceeded to build their own space rockets. After several marginally successful tests they finally came up with a design for a fully functional interstellar craft. They took off on the 18th of July 1969 in their ship the S. R. Russia can suck it. After a successful mission to mars they went back to their lives as Shakespeare impersonators, content in knowing they were better at astrophysics and space engineering than chimps and humans. The ship is currently sitting in a parking lot near Moscow where people routinely mistake it for a sandwich shop.

3. Frogs are hyper-intelligent space aliens. The Frogger Empire was the most powerful empire in the all of everything. It spanned more than 14,000 galaxies in over 5000 dimensions and had a nice cottage in the cottage dimension. They had developed every technology there was to be developed and knew everything there was to be known about everything. God once took a trip to a Frogger daycare centre for slow children and lost a game of 5-space Chinese checkers (The Chinese in question being from a small purple planet near Alpha Centauri), that’s how smart they are. With all this knowledge and skill the life of a frog became very hard to deal with. If you know everything, what more is there to do with your life? Many races have reached this point in their development and the majority of them all went on to develop some way of ascending into pure energy. The frogs on however were so advanced that they realized that would simply make the question what more is there to do with your endless life of pure energy? Instead they decided to go down a few pegs. They built a giant machine that would remove every bit of knowledge they had about anything. The machine them transport them on to a series of nice planets to start over as primitive animals. The machine self-destructed soon after the procedure was complete taking a rather boring bit of the Andromeda galaxy with it. Earth was one of the planets chosen, and the frogs we see today are the descendants of these hyper-intelligent space frogs who gave up their hyper-intelligence so they could have a decent boring life.

Now you know.